Your response was clever and thoughtful but I’m honestly not surprised at the young man’s question. While it was wildly inappropriate, it also betrays the world we live in: everything is divided, compared, and always to the extreme. Black and white with no shades of gray.
So many headlines pander to these extremes: love, hate, loathing, extreme longing. It’s as if subtlety and nuance have been erased from language.
His question, “Which country do you hate the most?”, assumes an emotional binary: either love or hate. It leaves no room for the more common reality—that most of our feelings about countries, like people, are nuanced and mixed.
Of course we don’t need to hate a country nor do we need to love one. Most of us have a mixture of opinions about many things but many of us have also learned to be careful about when we share those opinions and with whom we share them.
I suspect the young man needs a few more years to learn these lessons. And if he is fortunate, he will meet more people like you who model grace and nuance in conversation.
Thank you for this, Mark. As always, you are such a voice of reason and I so appreciate that!
I don’t know how thoughtful or clever my response was. The words were out of my mouth before I could even think about it. But I am very happy to know you felt that I modeled grace and nuance in the conversation. I had questioned how it was perceived.
The world can definitely do with a good dose of subtlety and nuance. I was born with a default to see everything around me in shades of gray, and find the certainty of black/white to be heart-stopping difficult. And those inflaming headlines don’t help, either.
Thank you so much for adding your wisdom to this conversation!
Those people missed a wonderful opportunity. A random conversation with you, that would probably have opened their eyes. And yes, he's a teenager. I was a pretty cool teenager. I would have loved that. Hate's a hard one. I don't want to hate anyone, I've been encouraged not to. But lately (actually for the last 10 years or so, it started on a gold escalator) I started hating someone. I've actually hated this person for much longer. I'd say it dates back to the Central Park 5. I'm good with that.
Thank you for this, Nan. Hate is indeed a hard one. I grew up hating my father and I am still amazed that our relationship healed before he died. Thinking about each of the two people we hate(d), I find the question about hating countries very different. The former is built on specific actions, whereas the latter is built on politics. The assumption that we would easily be able to identify one or more countries we hate is something I continue to find troubling.
Since you know the city, I will add that I often wonder if they found their way to SoHo and/or the Empire State Building - or if they enjoyed the view of the East River. 😉
His question stays with me, as well, Sue. I can only hope that questioning that question has opened a window for a new awareness - one that leads away from hate in all its forms. That would be something wonderful…!
I wonder if he thought since we 'are in a war' with Iran you would automatically answer Iran. Perhaps it was his teenage, ham-handed way of making solidarity. especially since World Cup was over and you wouldn't be expected to be 'showing your colors."
Oh my gosh. I don't know if I could have been so quick with my question back as you were. I want to say maybe it's a cultural difference. But even with that in mind, it makes me wonder what this young man thinks of Americans.
The question came out of my mouth before I could even think about it. No one was more surprised to hear it than me. 😉
I’ve thought about our encounter over a week now. If this group had truly believed we were a country of haters, I have to believe they would not have vacationed here. I have a feeling “Dancing Eyes” thought it would be a fun game - which I hope he rethought.
Thank you for adding this to the conversation, Paulette - I so appreciate it!
Cathy, I didn't think he was serious at first. What a shocking question when it is real. I'm quite sure I would have responded similarly, with no intention of embarrassing the other person like you. I guess this is how we are raised to think of some countries as bad and some as good.
I wish he was kidding. It’s interesting that he responded to my friend asking where they were from by saying he didn’t want to say. When he decided to tell us they were from Greece and we reacted so positively, that seemed to open the door for his question. We clearly did not hate Greeks so he safely proceeded and asked. I hope that he has retired the question.
Cathy, you are amazing, so open, so positive. I can't imagine anyone, from anywhere, not telling you their life story--if not interrupted by their chaperone.
I loved our calm attempt to correct their future journey!
Yes, I absolutely agree with you, Moorea. We can ask questions that prompt people to agree with us, or we can use questions to open a deep and meaningful conversation. It’s a choice. Thank you for adding this to the conversation!
What an unsettling question about hate, Cathy. Your reply with a different question must have had the same effect on the visitors. Good for you to invite discussion, even when that invitation was refused.
Thank you so much for your ever-thoughtful comment, Robin! Yes, “Dancing Eyes” was clearly unsettled - though he bounced back faster than I have. I still sit with how it felt to be asked that question.
You raise such an excellent point - I did invite a conversation. Perhaps it was discomfort speaking English, perhaps it was realizing the question would not open the bit of fun I think he expected. Whatever the reason, our chat was over. So apparently was their walk to SoHo or the Empire State Building!
Yours was the only sensible response to such an odd question, even from a teenager - perhaps especially from a teenager. I think of my two very different grandsons and can't imagine either of them asking that question.
Thank you for validating my response, Ann. I was gentle with it, and I am happy about that, but it hurt me to see his response. That said, he quickly bounced back and his dancing eyes returned - and off they went.
What an odd question. And the fact that they departed heading in the wrong direction (twice) makes this brief encounter feel like a vignette from The Little Prince.
How sad that the question he asked was focused on hate. As you pointed out, there are SO many alternatives!
I’m sure the moment was awkward, but I’m glad you questioned his question. I hope the encounter sticks with him as well. You never know. 💜
Thank you for this, Jamie. What concerned me about his question was that hatred was assumed. He seemed somewhat excited to hear the response, and that concerned me all the more. I hope he rethinks his question - and that they finally got to SoHo. 💕
I imagine the question was born of his assumptions about Americans. And that makes me sad. Turning those kinds of assumptions on their heads is what I loved most about having the Scots in Boston for the World Cup. It was, as many people said in various TikToks and IG reels, like having a big sleepover. It was so refreshing to see everyone accepting each other - no assumptions getting in the way.
My first thought was also that this reflected an assumption about Americans, and that felt just awful! But why travel all those miles if you thought that? And hatred doesn’t seem to have borders, anyway. And neither does the ability to joyfully come together. Thank you for mentioning the Scots - pure joy!! It did seem for those few weeks that we were all one, and that was beautiful!
It takes a talent to think this first: “I responded before I could even think about it and asked, “Do we need to hate other countries?” You are so right.
Your response was clever and thoughtful but I’m honestly not surprised at the young man’s question. While it was wildly inappropriate, it also betrays the world we live in: everything is divided, compared, and always to the extreme. Black and white with no shades of gray.
So many headlines pander to these extremes: love, hate, loathing, extreme longing. It’s as if subtlety and nuance have been erased from language.
His question, “Which country do you hate the most?”, assumes an emotional binary: either love or hate. It leaves no room for the more common reality—that most of our feelings about countries, like people, are nuanced and mixed.
Of course we don’t need to hate a country nor do we need to love one. Most of us have a mixture of opinions about many things but many of us have also learned to be careful about when we share those opinions and with whom we share them.
I suspect the young man needs a few more years to learn these lessons. And if he is fortunate, he will meet more people like you who model grace and nuance in conversation.
Thank you for this, Mark. As always, you are such a voice of reason and I so appreciate that!
I don’t know how thoughtful or clever my response was. The words were out of my mouth before I could even think about it. But I am very happy to know you felt that I modeled grace and nuance in the conversation. I had questioned how it was perceived.
The world can definitely do with a good dose of subtlety and nuance. I was born with a default to see everything around me in shades of gray, and find the certainty of black/white to be heart-stopping difficult. And those inflaming headlines don’t help, either.
Thank you so much for adding your wisdom to this conversation!
Those people missed a wonderful opportunity. A random conversation with you, that would probably have opened their eyes. And yes, he's a teenager. I was a pretty cool teenager. I would have loved that. Hate's a hard one. I don't want to hate anyone, I've been encouraged not to. But lately (actually for the last 10 years or so, it started on a gold escalator) I started hating someone. I've actually hated this person for much longer. I'd say it dates back to the Central Park 5. I'm good with that.
Thank you for this, Nan. Hate is indeed a hard one. I grew up hating my father and I am still amazed that our relationship healed before he died. Thinking about each of the two people we hate(d), I find the question about hating countries very different. The former is built on specific actions, whereas the latter is built on politics. The assumption that we would easily be able to identify one or more countries we hate is something I continue to find troubling.
Since you know the city, I will add that I often wonder if they found their way to SoHo and/or the Empire State Building - or if they enjoyed the view of the East River. 😉
This one has stuck with me. I keep revisiting this in my mind.
His question stays with me, as well, Sue. I can only hope that questioning that question has opened a window for a new awareness - one that leads away from hate in all its forms. That would be something wonderful…!
I wonder if he thought since we 'are in a war' with Iran you would automatically answer Iran. Perhaps it was his teenage, ham-handed way of making solidarity. especially since World Cup was over and you wouldn't be expected to be 'showing your colors."
Both are excellent thoughts, neither of which occurred to me. Thank you for offering them, Leslie!
Oh my gosh. I don't know if I could have been so quick with my question back as you were. I want to say maybe it's a cultural difference. But even with that in mind, it makes me wonder what this young man thinks of Americans.
The question came out of my mouth before I could even think about it. No one was more surprised to hear it than me. 😉
I’ve thought about our encounter over a week now. If this group had truly believed we were a country of haters, I have to believe they would not have vacationed here. I have a feeling “Dancing Eyes” thought it would be a fun game - which I hope he rethought.
Thank you for adding this to the conversation, Paulette - I so appreciate it!
Yes, probably trying to see how you’d react. And you did us proud my friend!
Ha!! Thank you for that!!! 💕💖💕
Cathy, I didn't think he was serious at first. What a shocking question when it is real. I'm quite sure I would have responded similarly, with no intention of embarrassing the other person like you. I guess this is how we are raised to think of some countries as bad and some as good.
I wish he was kidding. It’s interesting that he responded to my friend asking where they were from by saying he didn’t want to say. When he decided to tell us they were from Greece and we reacted so positively, that seemed to open the door for his question. We clearly did not hate Greeks so he safely proceeded and asked. I hope that he has retired the question.
Thank you for your comment, Sandra!
Cathy, you are amazing, so open, so positive. I can't imagine anyone, from anywhere, not telling you their life story--if not interrupted by their chaperone.
I loved our calm attempt to correct their future journey!
Awww...thank you, Leslie! You have warmed my heart this morning with your so very kind comment! 💕💖💕
So true that not all questions are created equal. I think the depth of the questions we ask determines the depth of our conversations.
Yes, I absolutely agree with you, Moorea. We can ask questions that prompt people to agree with us, or we can use questions to open a deep and meaningful conversation. It’s a choice. Thank you for adding this to the conversation!
What an unsettling question about hate, Cathy. Your reply with a different question must have had the same effect on the visitors. Good for you to invite discussion, even when that invitation was refused.
Thank you so much for your ever-thoughtful comment, Robin! Yes, “Dancing Eyes” was clearly unsettled - though he bounced back faster than I have. I still sit with how it felt to be asked that question.
You raise such an excellent point - I did invite a conversation. Perhaps it was discomfort speaking English, perhaps it was realizing the question would not open the bit of fun I think he expected. Whatever the reason, our chat was over. So apparently was their walk to SoHo or the Empire State Building!
Thank you for restacking, @rena - I so appreciate that you shared it!
Yours was the only sensible response to such an odd question, even from a teenager - perhaps especially from a teenager. I think of my two very different grandsons and can't imagine either of them asking that question.
Thank you for validating my response, Ann. I was gentle with it, and I am happy about that, but it hurt me to see his response. That said, he quickly bounced back and his dancing eyes returned - and off they went.
What an odd question. And the fact that they departed heading in the wrong direction (twice) makes this brief encounter feel like a vignette from The Little Prince.
How sad that the question he asked was focused on hate. As you pointed out, there are SO many alternatives!
I’m sure the moment was awkward, but I’m glad you questioned his question. I hope the encounter sticks with him as well. You never know. 💜
Thank you for this, Jamie. What concerned me about his question was that hatred was assumed. He seemed somewhat excited to hear the response, and that concerned me all the more. I hope he rethinks his question - and that they finally got to SoHo. 💕
I imagine the question was born of his assumptions about Americans. And that makes me sad. Turning those kinds of assumptions on their heads is what I loved most about having the Scots in Boston for the World Cup. It was, as many people said in various TikToks and IG reels, like having a big sleepover. It was so refreshing to see everyone accepting each other - no assumptions getting in the way.
My first thought was also that this reflected an assumption about Americans, and that felt just awful! But why travel all those miles if you thought that? And hatred doesn’t seem to have borders, anyway. And neither does the ability to joyfully come together. Thank you for mentioning the Scots - pure joy!! It did seem for those few weeks that we were all one, and that was beautiful!
It takes a talent to think this first: “I responded before I could even think about it and asked, “Do we need to hate other countries?” You are so right.
Thank you, Steve - I so appreciate your heartening comment!