I have been struggling for the right word to describe the feeling of belonging – a delightful, warm feeling that has been washing over me again and again. I thought it was “community” but that doesn’t seem quite right. Then I thought it might be “family” or “home”, but they don’t feel quite right either.
Then again, the family I was born into and the home we had together has a strong charge for me - and it is not positive. Trust me, I’ve been working on healing these feelings for eons but there is still more to go.
In my first Substack post, Can Empathy Be Learned,1 I shared that I have always been an outlier in my own family. That is only one element. I was also an outlier in the cities and towns where I lived. I have always been fortunate to have phenomenal friends in my life, but outside of my interaction with them, I never felt as though I belonged.
It’s interesting that I have found this feeling of belonging in New York City, a corner of the world that is often thought of as impersonal. I wholeheartedly disagree with that stereotype. More and more, I experience feelings of belonging that open my heart and make me smile.
Random Vignettes of Belonging
Recently I sat at the next-to-last counter stool near the cash register at S&P2 – a tiny restaurant that I was curious to try. It opened in 1928 across from the Flatiron building, a short walk from where I live. Entering was a throwback to a very different time. Time seemed to have stopped there.
Sitting on the end was a man who used to work in the neighborhood. He came back to visit, to chat, and to enjoy S&Ps rugelach – his favorite. He and the woman at the cash register were delighted to see each other and talked non-stop about all that happened in the years since he was last there.
Very kindly (neighborly?), I was included in their conversation. He even offered me a rugelach, which I politely declined – but I will definitely order it next time. It felt so comfortable – a corner of Anytown, USA right at one of the busiest intersections of NYC. It was touching to observe such a warm encounter and to be invited to share in it.
As I walked to the Union Square Farmers Market on a late summer day, I kept running into people I know - a couple having coffee, my favorite 4-legged neighbor with his humans, another neighbor on his own. It seemed so normal, but it was not something I had experienced anywhere else I lived – i.e., multiple Arizona cities, Los Angeles, Johannesburg, multiple Connecticut towns and cities. One person, yes, occasionally – but this many within just a few minutes of each other, never.
There are many working at the market who offer another layer of belonging. My favorite apples often sell out early and are kept aside for me. If something new and delicious is available, I am told I have to try it, which of course I do, and they are always delicious.
With fellow market shoppers, there is comfort in sharing insights about various offerings – how much we like them and why, how we select them, how we prepare them. I’ve been on both the giving and receiving side of those conversations, and always enjoy them.
Stopping to buy a new notebook and other office supplies last week, I was greeted with a big smile and an observation that I hadn’t been in for a while. And that is true – I don’t think I’ve been there this year. I’m not sure how or why I was remembered.
The sheer number of people who shop there every day must be mind-boggling. Possibly it’s because I buy refills for somewhat expensive pens while disposable pens are more the norm. Or maybe it is simply because I am always respectful and congenial to the people working there. I don’t see many customers smile as they get on with their busy day, and a smile is something I always wear.
I’ve been going to the same NYC hair salon since 1997, the year of my divorce. New life – new haircut. Initially, I drove down from Connecticut. Then I moved here and took a subway uptown – or, as it’s known to non-New Yorkers, north. The salon moved and now they are only a short walk away.
Walking into that salon feels like a home away from home – one far more accepting of me than the one I grew up in. A handful of people working there have known me for years and there are always hugs and warm greetings. Stylists new to the salon also come to chat.
I’ve seen many of them start as assistants and now have their own clients, and it’s heartening to see their success. As I sat there last visit, three people within 15-20 minutes stopped to see how I was doing and to catch me up on what was new in their lives.
I feel honored that this is something that happens each time I am there – truly honored. The feeling of belonging washes over me – no pun intended with the freshly washed hair.
Finding Home – and Francesco Latino
Grappling with my longstanding search for home and the feeling of belonging, I was incredibly touched by a post from
on his Project Home3 Substack - Episode 10: The Olive Season, which you can find here and in the footnote below. It is about much more than olives and I highly recommend it.Watching the very short video felt meditative to me. I felt peaceful and calm – exactly what home should feel like. Francesco calls his project “a documentation on what the concept of home means for people around the world.” I love that he is doing this and look forward to learning more from his quest.
A Reflection
Maybe it’s the time of year that has me reflecting on belonging and questioning just what “home” means to me. Thanksgiving is approaching and I carry a great deal of emotional baggage with it. I do not believe anyone in my family knew how miserable I was at each of those dinners – even though I typically ended up in tears.
I do celebrate Thanksgiving – but in a way that is personal to me. The biggest holiday challenge I face each year is to determine what I most want to do and to eat. Depending on the weather and my inclination, I may go out or stay in – I may be inspired by what’s available at the farmers market, or find a recipe that calls to me. All that matters is that it brings me joy. I love being able to do that.
Living in Connecticut, I noticed that the closer I moved to New York City, the less I felt like an outlier. Now, after 14 years of living here, I realize that I consistently feel I belong. That feeling feeds my soul. Sure sounds like home to me!
A Question
I’ve been writing about my response to the city where I live, but this is only one element that enables my feeling of belonging. I have been fortunate to work in organizations where I felt valued and respected. I also saw that turn on a dime at one organization, and the opposite became true – belonging to not belonging didn’t take long. With my friends, I feel the joy of belonging every time we speak.
How do you experience belonging? Do you have a word for the delightful, warm feeling that washes over you when you feel you belong? I’d welcome reading your thoughts in the comments.
End Note
It is the afternoon of the day after the US election as I prepare to post this. I questioned if I should do that today, tomorrow, or ever. My personal quest to understand my life and share what I have learned seems silly in light of what half of this country is trying to make sense of right now.
Coming to that understanding is what prompted me to post this today. No matter what the result, half of this country was going to feel disenfranchised - would feel they did not belong, that this was not their home. Fear levels would rise - not that they ever fell. We need to do something about that.
My Substack feed today was filled with messages of support - for each other, the country, the world. We do not live in isolation. Decisions have a broad impact. Reading those today confirmed that Substack is where I belong. This is a community that has become home, and that feels wonderful.
Can Empathy Be Learned?
My brother recently mentioned a financial call-in program he likes to listen to. What I found surprising is why he likes this program so much.
I'm so glad you decided to share this, Cathy. This moment seems the perfect time to talk about the idea of belonging. It's something we all crave, and yet it is often so elusive. I loved hearing how you've found your place of belonging in the big city, and I can so relate to being an outlier ... not exactly a hermit, but also not fully at home. And I SO agree about the value of connecting with "strangers" - even if it's only intermittently or through small exchanges. After all, once you've made the connection, you're no longer strangers. When I'm on my daily rounds walking dogs, it cheers me immensely to run into familiar faces (both human and canine) and have brief, impromptu chats about nothing and everything. It makes the whole world feel friendlier.
This is such a refreshing piece to read Cathy—this week especially. I think of growing into a place as putting down roots. You sound to have a good network.