Seeing you bring in your acting experience to contextualise empathy was very interesting. As a fellow former thespian, it was nice to relate to that. Also, your experience of being surrounded by people who aren't empathetic was cathartic. I've met people for whom it is nearly impossible to understand another's situation, and I also fail at it sometimes. But empathy can be and should be learned, and you've given us a great way of doing it!
Thank you so much for this, Yashraj. I also sometimes fail at empathy - we are only human. Fortunately, we can revisit our reaction and change it. I do - and I'm sure you do, as well. The world needs more empathy.
Beautiful post and subject Cathy, empathy for me is so connected to the quality and capacity to listen to another often beyond the words being said. Something really beautiful seems to occur when we feel truly seen and heard. Thank you for this thoughtful post and all your rich life experience shared here. 💫👌
Louisa, I cannot thank you enough for your very kind words and for sharing your thoughts on empathy. My heart feels full reading this.
I fully agree with you that being truly seen and heard (beyond the words and façade) is transformational. I love that you paired these qualities with empathy. If someone cannot see and hear another, empathy becomes impossible.
Unfortunately, this is all too common to judge others for how they got in their misfortune, rather than empathize with them for the misfortune itself. The old proverb “Don't judge someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes.” is still as true today as all those years ago. Thank you for sharing.
Great story and question, Cathy. I also believe that empathy can be learned and it is essential to be an example that others can emulate. Every time I witness someone doing something kind, I feel fortunate to have observed empathy- It also serves as a reminder to be like them as it brings so much joy and healing. You never know how empathy ripples out into the world. So, just do it- show empathy!
Thank you for your wonderful comment, Robin. It is incredible that simply witnessing acts of kindness and empathy affects us so positively. It's a gift to to the receiver, the giver, and those who witnessed it. Ah, the ripples...!!
Cathy, your well-expressed thoughts resonated. Thank you.
As an adoptee with a brother born to my parents, I was always on the outside. My adoptive parents both grew up in the tenements of NYC in father-absent homes. I can only imagine how difficult it was for their mothers before they kicked their husbands out. My dad was a martinet, and as an adolescent, I rebelled, later leaving Syracuse right after college graduation. Regarding your point about empathy, with the heartfelt support of friends (and for some, possibly other family members) I do feel it's possible to become a more empathetic person. —Linda
Linda, thank you for sharing your experience and for validating that empathy can be learned. Having heartfelt support to help us open to empathy is critically important. Thank you for calling that out.
Your comment on “I was the outlier – the black sheep of the family for holding core beliefs that were opposite to their viewpoint” struck me. The older I get, the more deeply I realize this is true in my family.
My siblings and I grew up in the same household and schools, just a few years apart, yet we formed very different world views and different abilities to empathize with others not like ourselves (especially marginalized people). Someone who worked with both me and one sibling asked me outright, years ago, how this happened and why we were so different. It was a tough question and really got me wondering. How DID I, and you, ‘learn’ empathy differently than our siblings?
Maybe different early experiences of the unexpected, as Andrea mentioned?
Karen, thank you for sharing your experience and this article - and your very kind feedback. I had never questioned if empathy is heritable - probably because I was the only one in our small nuclear family to exhibit it. It's an interesting thought.
I believe that we have the opportunity to learn from the families we are born into, and I learned that my family's beliefs and ways of being were theirs only, which led me to find my own truth. In that light, they have been powerful teachers, steering me in a very different direction from theirs.
I love that your friend pointed out how different you are from your family. I have a friend who did the same for me. It's helpful to be reminded that being an outlier can be a very good thing.
Hey Cathy, welcome to Substack! I'm am appreciate inquiry family too. I agree, empathy can be learned intentionally - often though, life's school for this happens when we experience the unexpected in our own lives.
Hi Andrea - how wonderful to meet a member of the family here! I fully agree with you that learning empathy, as well as so much more, often happens when the unexpected lands in our lives.
I agree with you that not everyone can be taught. There are examples in the comments that preceded yours on this post that speak to learning empathy after childhood, and I was heartened to read them. As the saying goes, when the student is ready the teacher will come. I hold hope for those who remain resistant.
I believe we all enter this world with a purpose, a unique role to fulfill. Be it good or bad, it's meant to ignite change on others or within ourselves. Empathy serves as a powerful tool for fostering self-reflection, personal growth and making this world a better place. Thank you for sharing Cathy. Love the actor exercise that you shared.
Our beliefs are very similar in this regard - thank you for sharing your perspective. In my way of thinking, our words and actions create ripples that ultimately can bring change. Reflecting with the lens of empathy helps us enable change that will be positive.
I'm happy to know you loved the acting exercise. It was and is my favorite!
My best friend taught in a classroom of students who were on their way out of the school system. They were violent, abusive, and often lacked empathy. She firmly believed that all what they needed was to have someone show them how to access their hearts and their emotions. And so that's what she set out to do. With each of them. While it didn't always work, in the vast majority of cases, it did. Students who had never given a thought to the feelings of others would cry when they saw people being bullied. They learned empathy.
What an inspiring story, Heidi - thank you so much for sharing it! I believe there is a tremendous power in speaking and acting from the heart. It creates a space in which positive change can take place, and your friend proved that. If this is something she ever documented, I would love to read more.
I'll ask if she's ever documented anything, Cathy. I don't know that she has, but I'll definitely ask. Of course, if you have any questions, I'm happy to pass those along, too.
Wonderful post! Your brother’s response to the young man struggling with student debt (and your thoughtful assessment of why that young man was probably in that situation) reminded me of a portion of a conversation I had with one of the guests on my podcast.
Chris is a very successful entrepreneur but also very humble. As he quite correctly pointed out, even previously successful entrepreneurs can fail simply because there are so many variables we don’t control. As the saying goes, “We make plans and God laughs.”
My experience with people who lack empathy is that they’ve yet to encounter real, unplanned misfortune in their own lives. They’ve yet to have something important in their lives just blow up, for no reason relating to their choices. But when that happens many will learn a bit of humility and perhaps some empathy as well.
Thank you, Mark, for sharing your thoughts on this. I will add my brother to the others whose experience you noted. He has been very fortunate in so many ways, which is a gift. I think that appreciating it as a gift can open someone's heart to empathy, since it acknowledges other paths. The next step would be to look at those paths without judgment - and dropping judgment is what I think is hardest for him.
Thank you again for this - and for sharing "We make plans and God laughs." I love that!!
Seeing you bring in your acting experience to contextualise empathy was very interesting. As a fellow former thespian, it was nice to relate to that. Also, your experience of being surrounded by people who aren't empathetic was cathartic. I've met people for whom it is nearly impossible to understand another's situation, and I also fail at it sometimes. But empathy can be and should be learned, and you've given us a great way of doing it!
Thank you so much for this, Yashraj. I also sometimes fail at empathy - we are only human. Fortunately, we can revisit our reaction and change it. I do - and I'm sure you do, as well. The world needs more empathy.
Absolutely. We have to try and do better whenever needed.
I could not agree more!
☺️ big YES to that with bells on!! 💫👌
Beautiful post and subject Cathy, empathy for me is so connected to the quality and capacity to listen to another often beyond the words being said. Something really beautiful seems to occur when we feel truly seen and heard. Thank you for this thoughtful post and all your rich life experience shared here. 💫👌
Louisa, I cannot thank you enough for your very kind words and for sharing your thoughts on empathy. My heart feels full reading this.
I fully agree with you that being truly seen and heard (beyond the words and façade) is transformational. I love that you paired these qualities with empathy. If someone cannot see and hear another, empathy becomes impossible.
Unfortunately, this is all too common to judge others for how they got in their misfortune, rather than empathize with them for the misfortune itself. The old proverb “Don't judge someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes.” is still as true today as all those years ago. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for reminding me of that proverb. It may be old, but it's timeless and so true. It is a thought I wish was more widely shared.
Great story and question, Cathy. I also believe that empathy can be learned and it is essential to be an example that others can emulate. Every time I witness someone doing something kind, I feel fortunate to have observed empathy- It also serves as a reminder to be like them as it brings so much joy and healing. You never know how empathy ripples out into the world. So, just do it- show empathy!
Thank you for your wonderful comment, Robin. It is incredible that simply witnessing acts of kindness and empathy affects us so positively. It's a gift to to the receiver, the giver, and those who witnessed it. Ah, the ripples...!!
I feel that it can be developed through practicing it in your everyday life.
Thank you for sharing your thought on this, Liana. I agree with you wholeheartedly.
Cathy, your well-expressed thoughts resonated. Thank you.
As an adoptee with a brother born to my parents, I was always on the outside. My adoptive parents both grew up in the tenements of NYC in father-absent homes. I can only imagine how difficult it was for their mothers before they kicked their husbands out. My dad was a martinet, and as an adolescent, I rebelled, later leaving Syracuse right after college graduation. Regarding your point about empathy, with the heartfelt support of friends (and for some, possibly other family members) I do feel it's possible to become a more empathetic person. —Linda
Linda, thank you for sharing your experience and for validating that empathy can be learned. Having heartfelt support to help us open to empathy is critically important. Thank you for calling that out.
Cathy, I agree; empathy can be learned! I love the exercise you shared and the idea of starting with the smallest step possible.
Thank you, Paula, for voicing your agreement and for calling out pieces of the post that resonated with you. I so appreciate your comment!
Hi Cathy, welcome to Substack 😊
Your comment on “I was the outlier – the black sheep of the family for holding core beliefs that were opposite to their viewpoint” struck me. The older I get, the more deeply I realize this is true in my family.
My siblings and I grew up in the same household and schools, just a few years apart, yet we formed very different world views and different abilities to empathize with others not like ourselves (especially marginalized people). Someone who worked with both me and one sibling asked me outright, years ago, how this happened and why we were so different. It was a tough question and really got me wondering. How DID I, and you, ‘learn’ empathy differently than our siblings?
Maybe different early experiences of the unexpected, as Andrea mentioned?
Maybe partly genetics? Some studies suggest that empathy is partly heritable (“estimates of the heritability of empathy ranging from 28 to 72 percent” - https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/is_your_empathy_determined_by_your_genes).
I enjoyed your article! Keep writing 😊
Karen, thank you for sharing your experience and this article - and your very kind feedback. I had never questioned if empathy is heritable - probably because I was the only one in our small nuclear family to exhibit it. It's an interesting thought.
I believe that we have the opportunity to learn from the families we are born into, and I learned that my family's beliefs and ways of being were theirs only, which led me to find my own truth. In that light, they have been powerful teachers, steering me in a very different direction from theirs.
I love that your friend pointed out how different you are from your family. I have a friend who did the same for me. It's helpful to be reminded that being an outlier can be a very good thing.
Loved your post. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you, Nikki!
This piece is very moving, Cathy. I've also been discussing empathy with a family member this week. Thank you!
Thank you, Karen - I'm so happy to know this piece resonated with you. May your family discussion go well!
Hey Cathy, welcome to Substack! I'm am appreciate inquiry family too. I agree, empathy can be learned intentionally - often though, life's school for this happens when we experience the unexpected in our own lives.
Hi Andrea - how wonderful to meet a member of the family here! I fully agree with you that learning empathy, as well as so much more, often happens when the unexpected lands in our lives.
Thank you for the warm welcome!
I believe empathy can be learned if you are taught right as a child. Not everyone can be taught but I believe most can.
I agree with you that not everyone can be taught. There are examples in the comments that preceded yours on this post that speak to learning empathy after childhood, and I was heartened to read them. As the saying goes, when the student is ready the teacher will come. I hold hope for those who remain resistant.
I believe we all enter this world with a purpose, a unique role to fulfill. Be it good or bad, it's meant to ignite change on others or within ourselves. Empathy serves as a powerful tool for fostering self-reflection, personal growth and making this world a better place. Thank you for sharing Cathy. Love the actor exercise that you shared.
Our beliefs are very similar in this regard - thank you for sharing your perspective. In my way of thinking, our words and actions create ripples that ultimately can bring change. Reflecting with the lens of empathy helps us enable change that will be positive.
I'm happy to know you loved the acting exercise. It was and is my favorite!
Love it! That's a better way of putting it. :)
My best friend taught in a classroom of students who were on their way out of the school system. They were violent, abusive, and often lacked empathy. She firmly believed that all what they needed was to have someone show them how to access their hearts and their emotions. And so that's what she set out to do. With each of them. While it didn't always work, in the vast majority of cases, it did. Students who had never given a thought to the feelings of others would cry when they saw people being bullied. They learned empathy.
What an inspiring story, Heidi - thank you so much for sharing it! I believe there is a tremendous power in speaking and acting from the heart. It creates a space in which positive change can take place, and your friend proved that. If this is something she ever documented, I would love to read more.
I'll ask if she's ever documented anything, Cathy. I don't know that she has, but I'll definitely ask. Of course, if you have any questions, I'm happy to pass those along, too.
Thank you so much, Heidi!
Wonderful post! Your brother’s response to the young man struggling with student debt (and your thoughtful assessment of why that young man was probably in that situation) reminded me of a portion of a conversation I had with one of the guests on my podcast.
Chris is a very successful entrepreneur but also very humble. As he quite correctly pointed out, even previously successful entrepreneurs can fail simply because there are so many variables we don’t control. As the saying goes, “We make plans and God laughs.”
My experience with people who lack empathy is that they’ve yet to encounter real, unplanned misfortune in their own lives. They’ve yet to have something important in their lives just blow up, for no reason relating to their choices. But when that happens many will learn a bit of humility and perhaps some empathy as well.
Thank you, Mark, for sharing your thoughts on this. I will add my brother to the others whose experience you noted. He has been very fortunate in so many ways, which is a gift. I think that appreciating it as a gift can open someone's heart to empathy, since it acknowledges other paths. The next step would be to look at those paths without judgment - and dropping judgment is what I think is hardest for him.
Thank you again for this - and for sharing "We make plans and God laughs." I love that!!