Playing the Keyboard of My Memories

With more than a little help from my friends

Photo by sq lim on Unsplash

A line in Lolita stays with me long after the details of Nabokov’s plot have been forgotten:

“… I cannot help running my memory all over the keyboard of that … year.”

The keyboard metaphor speaks volumes. We can choose memories that play a beautiful melody or discordant sounds. They can lift our hearts or shatter our peace, make us laugh or make us cry, give us hope or bring despair.

We choose what to remember, and how we remember it.

When I choose to play a discordant memory, it’s my friends who help me neutralize it. And when it’s a delightful memory overflowing with joy, it’s my friends with whom this tune was co-created.

Who counts as a friend?

It is a deficiency of the English language that we have friends and acquaintances, but no words for the grey space between them. To bypass that, we insert a modifier – a work friend, best friend, and so on.

My favorite description of a friend is actually a poem that describes the relationship itself without offering a definition.¹

Friendship

Oh, the comfort—
the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person—
having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words,
but pouring them all right out,
just as they are,
chaff and grain together;
certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them,
keep what is worth keeping,
and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.

— Dinah Maria Mulock Craik (1826-1887)

This way of interacting enables what I call a delicious conversation – one that is intentionally honoring of each person involved, and results in the elevation of the human spirit.

There is not a timeframe attached to this friendship. We can meet someone, instantly recognize that safety, and comfortably share what is hidden in our heart. That is exactly what is happening around the world with the Friendship Bench.

The Friendship Bench

CBS Sunday Morning shared the inspiring story of the Friendship Bench a few weeks ago. The segment can be viewed here and in the footnotes².

The idea for the bench and its creation came from Dr. Dixon Chibanda, a psychiatrist in Harare, Zimbabwe, after the suicide of a former patient in 2005. The young woman’s family knew she needed help, but they lived 200 miles away and could not afford the trip to Harare.

At that time, there were ten psychiatrists serving 13 million people in Zimbabwe. Dr. Chibanda had an epiphany – what if grandmothers could be trained to be the first line of care? Grandmothers were deeply rooted within their communities and had rich life experiences they could share. The idea of a Friendship Bench was born.

Initially, fourteen grandmothers shared a bench with several hundred people in their immediate community. Last year there were over 3,000 “older listeners” who spoke with 300,000+ people all over Zimbabwe. (Older was not defined in the interview.) The Friendship Bench has now expanded to nine countries and is still growing.

It’s not about solving problems for people – they very often do that for themselves. The intent is that people who stop for a conversation at the bench should leave feeling empowered, and that is working.

Listening and being heard

The power of being listened to is validated in the work of Nancy Kline.³ In her book Time to Think: Listening to Ignite the Human Mind, she shares examples of the insights people have gained from being listened to with full attention and no judgment.

Another inspiring example comes from an organization called Sidewalk Talk, whose website can be found here and in the footnotes.⁴ Across the US and around the world, their listeners connect with people who need to talk. Their mission is to “create more human connection, inclusion, and heart-centered listening.” From their website:

Listening changes your perspective, fills you with hope, fills your story sharers with hope, soothes frayed nerves, improves mental health, reduces loneliness, increases inclusion, and reminds us that people are good despite what the media pumps out about humans every day.

Being listened to without judgment allows us to make sense of what hurts us. It helps to turn the discordance into beautiful music.

A reflection

Of late, my keyboard has played memories that were once painful. Now, having come to a place of peace, aided in a large part by the friends in my life, I can hear a simple sweet melody start to form.

What do you play on your keyboard of memories? Are you willing to listen while others play theirs?

1. First appears in Chapter XVI of the Craik's 1859 novel A Life for a Life. (Craik, Dinah Maria Mulock. A Life for a Life. London: Collins' Clear Type Press, 1900.)

Included under the title Friendship in Felleman, Hazel, ed. The Best Loved Poems of the American People. Garden City, NY: Garden City Books, 1936.

2. CBS Sunday Morning: “The Friendship Bench: Bringing talk therapy into underserved communities,” February 9, 2025. The link to the segment can be found here.

3. Nancy Kline’s Time to Think website can be found here.

4. The Sidewalk Talk website can be found here.