Transformative Feedback
It's life-changing
Random Conversations is a newsletter for those who believe in the power of a positive perspective and the joy it brings. It champions intentionally honoring ways of being and promotes the belief that we can change our world, one interaction at a time. Choose the change wisely.
A former colleague recently tagged me on a LinkedIn post. We worked together 20+ years ago at a leadership development program – I was on the administrative team and he was a participant in the program. His kind and gentle demeanor always makes my heart smile.
I responded to his post with a direct message – and his response opened a window of awareness that touched me deeply. He wrote,
“You created space for authenticity when it was not the norm. That mattered more than you probably know.”
Really?! I absolutely did not know that! And then he added,
“Thank you for the encouragement, the kindness, and the example. You are still part of the story I carry forward.”
This was mind-blowing, transformative feedback. I had no clue I had touched any life so deeply, nor that I created “space for authenticity.” It forced me to look past my limited perception of myself, to face a very different version – a more empowering version. This was truly a gift – one I knew I needed to process.
Feedback – a Damaged Concept
Let’s face it, there is a whole lot of bad feedback being given out there. My work has been in and with corporations of all sizes. I’ve seen managers struggle to give productive feedback, so they either don’t give it at all or bury a nugget of what needs to improve in the middle of two platitudes of “nice work.” Neither is helpful.
Giving feedback has seeped into our personal lives, and it’s often just as unproductive. The worst offenders are those who ask, “May I give you some feedback?” That question is posed to obtain approval to say something negative, hurtful, unproductive.
No one ever asks if they can give you feedback that is positive, uplifting, inspiring. No permission is needed to share these thoughts which are given with an open heart. These are the insights that can be transformative. These are the insights I was fortunate to receive. These are the insights I’d like to encourage people to share with each other.
Creating Space for Authenticity
Authenticity was not a word being used 20+ years ago. Just a few years later, a colleague at a different organization said to me, “You are so authentic!” That simple piece of feedback was something that never occurred to me, and I grappled to understand it.
I only knew how to be me, how to speak my truth, how to communicate heart-to-heart. Through today’s eyes, I have to admit that this does sound like authentic behavior, but I was not aware of it then.
At a time when I thought I was “less than” for not having a master’s degree or PhD like so many in my field, I discovered that my ability to be my own true self was more than enough. It allowed me to touch the lives of others in a unique and caring way that at least one person has carried into his very successful career. His authentic voice has created ripples of positivity, and that is a beautiful thing.
There is a contrasting way of being that he and I experienced together. Our manager was someone I loved working with, but I saw that she liked to hide behind what she called her “poker face.” It was a mask she often wore.
More damaging was that she would often “spin” areas of concern, turning them into something more positive than they were. This created an environment in which her words could not be trusted. My relationship with those in the program was very different. They knew I would tell them what I could, and do so truthfully.
I have been told that I engender trust, and it took me years to understand that feedback. For quite some time now, I have observed people sense my trustworthiness and share thoughts and experiences that are often quite personal. Dogs sense it, too – breaking away from their humans to come greet me, lean into me, accept an ear scratch.
Does an environment of trust create space for authenticity? Or does authenticity create space for trust? Perhaps it is a both/and – not an either/or. What I know is that the two combine to open a pathway to transformative communication – which includes feedback.
A Reflection
I seem to be in a place of looking at my past with new eyes. For my birthday, I wrote about reading through a time capsule of sorts – my old scrapbook from high school and college.* There were play programs and florist cards with the most incredible comments about me, my talent, how my words and actions touched people. It was a collection of transformative feedback.
There is a perception that the only purpose of feedback is to be critical, to point out what is wrong, what should be improved. And yes, that is important, but there is more. Comments on a job well done are also important.
Even more important, in my view, is to share how we have positively affected another human being. That is feedback that feeds the soul - and feeding the soul enables transformation.
A Question
Have you received feedback that touched you deeply? I’d welcome hearing about it in the comments.
* My birthday post can be found below.
You absolutely create space for authenticity, Cathy. I might take it even further and suggest you nudge the authenticity in to the light. At least, that's been my experience of you. And I just adore your reframe of feedback. With SoulSpeak, we give feedback by answering three things - What did I love about this? What did I want to know more about? And what did I have questions about? The first time I encountered this, it was a profound shift for me, and I can't imagine giving or receiving feedback any other way now. Feedback in its truest form is meant to be generative and generous, not punitive and punishing. It is my goal that moving forward, any feedback I give feels like a hug, not a hit.
What a wonderful story and reflection, Cathy. And I second what Jess said about you not only holding space for authenticity, but also giving it a nudge when needed - such a powerful gift.
I don’t get much feedback, but the bits I remember from over the years are often random, seemingly off-the-cuff observations that have almost nothing to do with anything. For example, I remember my parents telling me I had eagle eyes when I was a kid. I also remember an online acquaintance telling me I am really great at curating interesting information.
People should give each other kudos more often and for no reason. It helps us learn about ourselves when we can see ourselves through someone else’s eyes.